Wayne Campbell, Express and the Reason I’m Still Single
I am not positive, but it’s possible one of the reasons I am still single is the fact that I haven’t found a Wayne Campbell wearing Express on the regular. That’s right, Wayne from Wayne’s world…in a rolled sleeve button up, a skinny tie and a pair of nice jeans. Some girls are about the muscles, I’m all about the jeans. So, basically, what I’m looking for is an enigma. A sha-winging, designer-jean-wearing Faun…or something.
Not entirely sure why, but I was charmed by Wayne the first time I saw him headbang to Bohemian Rhapsody on a recorded VHS in ’93. The dude’s goofy. I like goofy. He was easy-going, had the confidence to get the babe, appreciated good music and was somewhat intellectual in his own way. (That was a brief character analysis of a movie based off an SNL skit. My college profs would be totally impressed. Not.) Fact is, that’s about as deep as I go when it comes to romantic comedies.
If there is one thing I appreciate, it’s a man who likes to look good when it really doesn’t matter. Because quite frankly anyone can wear a pair of Nike shorts and a 2006 intramural t-shirt from college to get groceries….and around here, everyone mostly does. It bores me. I am not asking a lot. I would be good with just a pair of jeans. Wear the snot out off that damn intramural t-shirt if you want to, just try not to cut the sleeves off it and take the extra effort to button and zip some denim on your bottom half.
Effort. That’s what I appreciate. And one of the simplest, most straight-forward ways to show you have it is by how you present yourself in public.
Midwest guys kill me when it comes to clothes. Not all, but a large percentage. I get it. You’re not a fashionista (stupidest word ever, by the way). I don’t expect you to know what an epaulette is or the fact Roberto Cavalli can tailor a suit better than your momma can cook a hotdish. But I seriously have to wonder sometimes where this aversion to certain ways of dressing yourself comes from. You don’t care. So, why when presented with a button-up do you suddenly have an opinion? Putting on that shirt does not reroute your social GPS destination from grocery store to funeral slash wedding. These things are not definitive. Turns out the array of places to look put together is vast, as could be the eyes checking you out. I have rarely thought to myself, “Man, that guy in that sweatshirt and mesh shorts is hhhhot. I’d microwave his Spaghettios for 2-1/2 minutes.” Okay, I don’t even know what that means, but you get my point. There are nicely tailored clothes that are just as comfortable as a sweatshirt and shorts. I promise. ZZ Top was not kidding. Every girl is crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.
Then, the “size” neurosis. So many dudes are under this assumption that they are bigger than they really are and get all squeamish and whiney when it’s a size under their norm.
“It’s too smallllll.” Then they do like a challenged-looking pop, lock and drop it followed by something my dog does when he’s caught in his leash.
No, that’s called fit. You see your shoulder seam? It is actually at your shoulder as apposed to hoola-hooping your bicep. If that’s the side effect clothes give your body, maybe you want to consider a nudist colony.
Simple rule of thumb: if you think you’re an XL, you’re probably a large. You think you’re a medium, you’re probably a small. And just because you’re a small doesn’t make you a sally man. If you get a shirt that fits, you will look like you have substance. If you are a larger dude and get a shirt that fits, you will look slimmer. There is something about fit that does exactly what it’s supposed to. Weird.
If you are just not sure, I would gladly go shopping with you. I am really skilled at spending other people’s money for them. My only charge is a coffee or cocktail date. Don’t wear your cutoffs.