Didn’t you wear a coat?

I used to get excited about snow. Once.

I used to get excited about snow. Once.

1. It wouldn’t be so cold if people used more aerosol hairspray.
2. There wouldn’t be so much snow if people installed underground heating systems, concrete was made of salt and squirrels spent more time figuring out ways to heat trees instead of stuffing them with stupid acorns. Selfish little twig rats.

Winter brings out the worst in people…or just me. Like the tendency to irrationally blame everyone else for the most staggeringly unimpressive season in all of nature. Winter is not so pretty. Sun and rippling lake water is pretty. Glitter is pretty. You know what, mud is pretty (I really only say this right now because I’m not having to dig it out of my wheel treads). Plus, I just don’t believe 4 months is enough of a gap to forget how to drive on winter roads. There’s almost a 6-month gap between seasons to ride bike and I don’t see people taking out a mailbox with their Schwinn on the first thaw or landing wheels up on someone’s boulevard because a robin crapped down their neck. Although, it could just be those are lesser-told stories. For the record, I welcome robin crap down my neck over a snowflake any day.

Winter is actually just another word for coat. You don’t need a thesaurus. Everything I say is fact.

Let me be clear, jackets are not coats. I have more jackets than a wall of hardcover books. It is my Achilles heal and one of the defining elements of my closet. I do not, however, wear coats. My coat is on the back seat of my car in case of emergency. It goes in at first snow and comes out the minute I sense a spring breeze. Living in the Midwest as long as I have, you know your breezes. If I wear gloves, they’re fingerless and the last time I wore a sock was probably the first term of the Bush administration. (Socks are a whole other blog.)

Every November through April I get the usual…Aren’t you cold? Where’s your coat? Didn’t you wear a coat?
To which I commonly reply: No, I’m not cold…and… This is a coat. (Right now jackets are coats. Keep up.)

I knowwww. I know that it is cold out. I know that I do not have on a 10-pound, hooded mastodon of a parka with so many unzippable layers it’s a coat onion. But since when has stubborn always been rational? If you have known me long enough, this is not a surprise. The stubborn part or the coatless part.

Can you spot the idiot?

Can you spot the idiot?

Basically, I am a 29-year-Minnesotan who doesn’t believe in winter wear on the sole basis that it’s dumb. Call me a radical, but radicals usually can back up their beliefs with better reasoning. Unless, radical is another word for idiot. Then, yes.
Wait. What?

Besides, it’s like I always say, germs make you sick not cold air.
You don’t have to google that. It is also fact.